Living in China - 5 things I miss about England

In November 2019 I finally said, 'fuck it', and moved to China. It had been a long time coming. After years of working dead-end and temporary factory jobs the once scary thought of moving to China to start over again was no longer scary at all. It can't be as bad as working at 'The Nissan' or putting up with modern western politics. So on an overcast November morning in Newcastle I left English soil on a KLM aeroplane. I don't know when I'll be back again.

e  It's now mid June in Dalian, China. A very small city by Chinese standards with only 7 million people roaming about. Not much less than Greater London. In these COVID times being half way between Beijing and the North Korean border should be a frightening place to be, if we believe the bullshit CNN and the BBC feed us in the west. In reality this feels like one of the safest places in the world to be in these times. Other than Greenland or those secret Nazi pyramid bases in The Antarctic. Although there isn't much I feel homesick for I've managed to find fthings I miss about England.

1 Bacon

I was watching 'The Crown' on Netflix, It's possible to get it here via VPN and some good WiFi. Until some Chilean wankers called Miguel and Nicole hacked it causing a few problems. But anyway, there's a scene where the King of England is in bad shape and needs to watch his health. There's this delicious breakfast prepared for him with all the British food I miss. Good bread is hard to find and so is Lurpak butter. Goes perfectly with bacon. There's always eggs on offer in China but sausages are dubious quality. Probably imported from America. I would kill for some authentic Lincolnshire sausages fried in olive oil. Served with fried everything else for a 'Full English'. The Crown got me reminiscing about good English food, which when made with some passion and care can be the best food in the world. Much better than that fake Germanic shite the Americans shovel down.

Bacon in China isn't worthy of the good name, 'bacon'. I hear on good authority that it's imported from America and from experience are usually wispy, thin slivers of what I assume was mostly once part of a pig's arse. The taste is more chemical than natural. More like a Walker's Smokey Bacon flavour crisp than meat. Bacon is one of those things I assumed was delicious and abundant around the world but evidently not. Even burger vans in England have better bacon! So if I ever return to British shores the first thing I will do is eat one of our delicious Danish bacon sandwiches.

2 Go Karting

My biggest source of pleasure in England was karting. For a few years while working shifts at the Nissan factory I had just enough income to afford the maintenance on an American Express credit card and so could afford go racing in Club100, the highest level of arrive and drive karting in England! I went to Buckmore Park near Maidenhead for my first race; a long trek from Durham. The circuit looked so professional even before John Surtees (famed F1 and Motorbike World Champion) bought the place and improved it. Clay Pigeon in beautiful Dorset was my favourite track. A speed circuit which was the same as Monza in my imagination. It took maximum commitment and felt terrifying in my early races. I would break far too early then have to accelerate again to get to the spot I should've just lifted at! I later found out there where two great championships on my doorstep; the SG Petch Championship at Teesside and The Thunderkart Challenge at Warden Law, Sunderland. I miss the friends I made at these places. They are fucking good people. We never once talked about politics which alone is enough to make the karting crowd good people in my opinion.

There just isn't the same set-up here in China. No purpose built racetracks with kerbs and steel barriers. No regional arrive and drive racing like we have in England. Unless I just haven't found it yet. The venues I found in England revealed themselves at the right time so maybe I'm not aware of all the racing that's going on here in Dalian and the world class circuits a bus ride away.

So far I've found one circuit in Dalian and have heard of no others. It's in a funfair at the beach. Quite a beautiful location with a golden beach and affordable rides. There's a friendly family atmosphere at locations such as this funfair. Kids can play on their skateboards and rollerblade unhindered. They can go about their business without a 'chugger' shaking a bucket at them or some arsehole chasing them for gas and electric direct debits. It's quite the opposite to England. The circuit here is a patch of tarmac in the corner of the funfair and made out of old tyres to form the walls of the circuit. There's plenty like this in England although it gives the place a temporary look. At least there's no hairpin 180's like most tracks of this type. I bought 8 laps for an expensive by Chinese standards 100RMB (£11.45) and set about getting a feel for the track. It has a smooth and fast flow to the lap and is a power circuit rather than technical. It's the perfect track for trail braking, my favourite trick, but there's no timing system. So having a real race here isn't going to happen. It's purpose for me is to cheer up if I feel depressed. Karting always helps.

3 Jokes

In my experience so far I'm finding 'the office' to be very humourless. I can't recall hearing a single joke in my time with my fellow foreign teachers. Conversation is more about displaying just how smart we all are; one gem, "No it's not 20th Century Fox, is 21st Century Fox. They changed the name, of course, after the millennium". Then there's the arguing about politics which I came here to get away from. I get most of my fun from the kids I teach!

A few months ago I realised that I miss the humour of my old work places after spending years trying to escape. I was looking back through rose tinted spectacles during the worst of COVID back in January. The two or three fun shifts in three years at 3M working the factory floor when I had a few minutes to talk shit with Micheal or Sean. I miss these guys. Sean loved Game of Thrones and we would share theories about the final season. I was gone before the finale aired but he had better ideas than the writers. Micheal was a salt-of-the-earth guy with good humour and healthy pisstaking when a situation required it. Dean who would vent frustration with me at 2 in the morning about the 'Karens' and other dubious characters we worked with. I miss these guys and the gallows humour required to work flat-out in a sinking ship 12 hours a day knowing your temporary contract will be terminated in time for Christmas. I do miss the honest humour from North East England and find the cerebral middle class workplace here a bore sometimes. That said if I ever end up back at 3M Aycliffe, Lear Corp or the dreaded 'Nissan' I'll fall on my fucking sword before they can drag me through the door.

4 Greggs

Somethings I reminisce about are better left in the past and Greggs the Bakers is probably one of them. But I do miss the British taste of such things as, hot Sausage Rolls with savoury pastry and the questionable pink meat full of salt which could be from a pig, cow or any other beast. I miss Cheese and Onion Pasty's. Hot pasties with lashings of Heinz Ketchup spread on top. The contents where neither onion or cheese but some mysterious and delicious paste that didn't taste of either cheese or onion but more like the colour yellow. I miss all of this salty shite on my lunch breaks at the Lear factory, because in China the favours are very different.

China seems to have a sweet tooth with things we regard as savoury in England. Sausage rolls are very sweet. It's like they add sugar instead of salt. This contradicts the masses of mysterious meats I see at the supermarkets which suggests a savoury taste, but most of this I have no idea how to properly cook and prepare, so I haven't ventured to try it. The last thing I want to do is poison myself or gain weight by eating trash, so a local Greggs is sorely missed.

5 Book Shops

There are book shops in China of course. Chinese people are very studious. The problem is finding English language books. This might be another case of not noticing what's under my nose. There might be an amazing English book shop half a mile away but for the time being I've only been able to find abridged and simplified English books in the corners of a few Chinese book shops. This isn't a complaint, I just wish I'd brought more books with me! I miss looking around book shops in England. Even though all of them are Waterstones. It's funny how Waterstones put all the regional and small book shops out of business with their mighty size and now Amazon is doing the same to them! The solution I've found is to buy a Kindle, which allows me to read uncensored and unrestricted the western books Amazon allow me to buy.